


these memories pull us under (life has dragged us in its tide)

by Trashy_Cannot



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Catharsis, Comfort, Gen, IT'S ABOUT BEING THERE FOR YOUR FRIEND BASICALLY, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-25
Updated: 2020-01-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 11:26:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22396270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trashy_Cannot/pseuds/Trashy_Cannot
Summary: Anger and pain. But there are always shoulders ready for you to lean on when you have family.[SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 92]
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 4
Kudos: 110





	these memories pull us under (life has dragged us in its tide)

**Author's Note:**

> Yo so Episode 92 MESSED ME UP. As a long-time Beau stan and someone who knew every mutual I have was jinxing how painful Beau's parents are...i Strongly Dislike Thoreau And Clara Lionett. *cough* TRASH *cough*
> 
> But yeah this was a pretty simple one-shot I came up with as I went to sleep after the episode 'cause Beau needs someone to validate her feelings about her parents because...she needs it.
> 
> (title is a reference to "La Lune" by Madeon and thank you to @/flowercoasts on tumblr for helping me pick the song out)

Beau's mind felt blurry and disconnected. She wasn't even sure if she really did talk to her father not but an hour before. If she did, it left her with uneasiness in her stomach. Then again, that could've just been the old Lionett wine she got for herself, or the other bottle of ale she bought at the inn she and the Nein were staying in. 

The jade tattoo carved into her nape felt like a fresh brand even though she was bathing herself in the coldest water she could find.

"Fuck." Beau whispered, trying her best to ignore the pain.

Her vision was still blurry from crying _so damn much_ , but she was able to get out of the tub without much issue and wrap herself in the robe she stole from Zadash.

Entering into the bedroom, Beau paused as soon she realized Jester was asleep.

Beau only let Jester stay in the same room if they were on separate beds, but the inn only had single mattresses. So Beau said she'd sleep on the floor. She knew Jester noticed her being distant, but every emotion felt like too much the second she left her old estate.

Tugging her sleeping mat free from her backpack, Beau lay on the floor, facing away from Jester and towards their room's doorway. Her mind replayed the day's events. Waking up to a dreary day before speaking to her family and meeting her brother. If it weren't for the wine bottle she was clutching, she would've thought it was a bad dream or a hallucination.

"Uh, Beauregard? Could I speak with you for a moment?" a Zemnian voice pushed through the silent yelling of her mind.

Beau didn't move.

"Beauregard, please. I bought you a drink."

The monk, after a longer-than-usual time to dress, arrived at the opening of the inn’s rooms to its main bar area. In the sea of tables, she spotted Caleb, who was at the very edge, holding a cup of booze in his hands, likely running spells through his mind. Beau didn’t get wizards, and she doubted she ever would. Making her way to him, she sent middle finger after middle finger at patrons who recognized her.

"At least you actually have a drink." Beau mumbled, sitting across from him and swiping the mug.

Then she downed it in one. Two. Three gulps.

"I'm sorry about how this day has gone for you." Caleb twiddled his thumbs. "I hope you did not feel alone back there."

"I did feel alone...not because you guys weren't there it's just-" Beau slurred.

Caleb waited patiently.

"I dunno. I know you heard it, but going through how you'd speak to someone again over and over in your head for years...when reality fucks that up it can make you feel lost and alone. It doesn’t matter who's with you."

"I understand that feeling." Caleb placed his once-bandaged hand on Beau's wrist.

Beau chuckled, looking at his marred skin, no longer hidden away.

"So why did you drag me out of bed and down here?" 

"Well. Jester told me you weren't going to sleep in your bed.” the wizard inhaled. “But I also wanted to tell you that you don't have to forgive them." Caleb stated, his eyes stern and genuine.

"...what?"

"You were one of the first people I told my past to. You are aware that I know what a loving parent is." Caleb began. 

Beau kept her gaze locked onto the bottom of the mug.

"Those were not loving parents. I don't have a lot of wisdom compared to our more holy friends, but loving parents don't do what yours did." Caleb spat.

Beau's fingers paled as her other hand tightened its grip on her cup.

"I..." Beau trailed.

"I am not saying whether you should or should not forgive them." Caleb paused to breathe. "But they are not entitled to your forgiveness."

Looking down at her hands, Beau took note of how scared and calloused they were. Her skin was still youthful, but there was an age to it that felt like she’d been through enough for three lifetimes.

“I just feel like I have to be the better person in this, right? They were shitty but if I can forgive them…”

Caleb tightened his grip slightly, whispering, “You are already the better person. Beauregard, I know you told them that you are struggling with feeling like a good person, but you are. Right now. Your parents did not give that to you, nor can they take it away.”

“I mean I still feel angry about it.” Beau put her head in her hands. “Should I even feel angry? It’s been years and I’m an _Expositor_ now. I have you all. Why do I still want them to _love_ me?”

“You are right to be angry at what they did. But I do not have the answers to your other questions.” Caleb pulled his hands back and hugged himself.

While she knew Caleb couldn’t see her face, she was trying to hold back what felt like the tenth crying session she knew she was going to have today. She knew that coming back here was going to sting, but _gods_ she didn’t want it to make her question her goals again. A part of her still wished she never did live past 19. 

Beau’s nape tensed again, and her throat clamped shut. The tears were back but she chuckled at them, still hiding from Caleb.

“We can go somewhere more quiet, if you’d like.” Caleb said, standing up and guiding Beau away from the inn’s social area.

They sat in the hallway that branched to the Nein’s various rooms and slid down, leaning against the wall, and to some extent, on each other. 

Snapping, a puff of orange dust apparated before disappearing, and Frumpkin took steps to nestle into Beau’s lap. Caleb smiled, and his pet’s raven form rubbed his beak gently against Beau’s arms which soon enclosed him in a hug. 

The silence was nice for the two of them, and for the first time this day, Beau’s head wasn’t swirling with the thought of her family. She listened to the faint scratches of Caleb’s quill against magical parchment, likely transcribing or altering spells, and feeling Frumpkin’s form rise and fall with calming breaths.

“Thanks for this.” Beau mumbled. “I still have no clue about what to do with my family and their legacy but...feeling angry makes a little more sense now. It feels kinda okay.”

“Of course. Now please share your bed with Jester, she hasn’t stopped worrying about you avoiding her. But if you need to, I think Yasha could have her sleep over so you can have some time to yourself.” Caleb offered, shutting his book.

“I’m honestly tired of not having people close.” Beau stated, a drunken firmness in her tone. “Again, thanks Caleb. I mean it.”

Caleb grinned. “Hollaaaa…”

“Gods please stop doing that.”

**Author's Note:**

> HA it's about found family!
> 
> Detail notes:  
> -Someone taking a page out of how I felt after watching that episode, I had Beau feel like her conversation with Thoreau and Clara not feel real at first because it was obviously a conversation she'd been thinking of for years, and processing everything after the fact takes a toll on her.  
> -Beau didn't want to sleep in the same bed as Jester in their room because 1) she's struggling a little with her feelings for the Tiefling and 2) Jester's advice is kinda messing with Beau's thoughts about her whole interaction with her parents.  
> -I specifically had Caleb say he understood how Beau felt about rehearsing meeting someone, as well as point out his bandage-less hands because I don't doubt that he'd been thinking about what he'd say and do when he met Ickythot again.  
> -Caleb saying that he knows what loving parents are and saying that Beau's parents were not were actually the lines I thought of when I first thought of this before promptly falling asleep after the episode.  
> -Beau saying she wanted to feel like the better person by forgiving them is just me. Albeit I have not gone through what Beau has, but I do often have that feeling so love that!  
> -Of course I referenced 'hollaaa'
> 
> Anyway last remarks before I start plugging stuff like a youtuber: I don't condone child abuse in any fashion, whether it be physical or mental. What Thoreau and by extension Clara did is abuse. In my personal opinion (which I'm sure you saw here) is that I think Beau doesn't need to forgive them whatsoever. As far as I understand, they are not her parents. They were just what dragged her to existence. Beau's family is in the Nein.
> 
> As always, kudos, comments, and shares are always appreciated! Y'all already know I'm not gonna make you so there's that. See you next time you read something of mine!


End file.
